For roughly the past year and a half, I have been living more or less by myself in a state completely opposite of where I have grown up. I will have only 5 more months before I end up picking my stuff up and moving back to my home state where I’ll have my lifelong friends, parents, stories that I’ve learned from, and others that probably still need to be learned from.

I will be moving into a house with 3 of my best friends who, to me, are like brothers.

For the past year and a half, I have tried to embrace the semi-isolation and have tried to spend a majority of my time outside of work, which is not a whole lot, learning and delving into the innerworkings of my mind. What thoughts do I have, how do they affect me, affect others, shape the lens of which I view pretty much everything: my life, my direction, passions, relationships. Most of all, I think it’s allowed me to really dig into who I am and beg the question of “who do I want to be,” and perhaps even more importantly, “who don’t I want to be.”

I have felt stagnant for a majority of my time here. Sleep, work, rest, repeat. Sprinkle in some entertainment and events sparingly, but that is what my life has essentially been… and it hasn’t sat well with me.

Receiving and agreeing to the notice that I will have to move again into a completely new environment initially struck me with fear and anxiety. Now, after about a month of sitting with it and having begun to put plans together to make this a reality, new lenses are beginning to be put over my eyes.

I have been living in a sort of guilt – guilt of “not doing enough,” guilt of “I should be doing more with my time.” But what if that was because I had nothing to look forward to? I have my job, a job that I could easily rise the ladder if I wanted to, but I realized that this type of job is sapping my energy. Social energy, creative energy, physical energy, you name it. To give credit where its due, my job is not a bad job. I enjoy it. I am fully, 100% committed to my job when I’m at work, but it can demand a lot. Retail has that funny effect I’ve now noticed.

As Queen once said, “I want to break free.” Break free just for a little bit of time to spend time not on figuring out my way of thinking, how I work, how I should behave, but to actually put into practice what I’ve discovered about myself independently. I want to discover new passions, new friends, the new me. I want adventure, and to explore.

The contrast in environments I imagine will be grand. From living here with my sister, who I rarely see because we work opposite schedules, to living with three other guys, three friends, who are all going to college, either to pursue additional degrees or graduate degrees. I will be moving into a much more creative space, and intellectual space, a space that I feel will be a tremendous outlet for myself. A space where there will be more social engagement. A freeing place that might be exactly what I need.

The question that’s been rattling in my head now is what should I do regarding work. I could transfer stores as remain in a management position with the same responsibilities and time constraints. I could step down to full-time or even part-time, freeing up some responsibility and time, or quit all-together and figure out a new path forward. Maybe carve one out myself.

Each month here, I am saving roughly the amount of money that 1 month of living expenses would cost where I’m moving to. Ultimately, I should have over 8 month’s worth of living expenses saved by the time I’m ready to move. This cushion that I am stowing away right now gives me security. It is the only reason why I can even begin considering this exploration. My birthday will have also just happened, marking a cultural milestone in terms of age.

The culmination of all these things – the savings, the internal reflection, the social and personal rebirth, the new environment; The world feels so open. This is actually a really interesting change in my perspective from even a week ago.

The imagery that keeps coming to mind is that of a bow and arrow. The arrow is pulled back slowly, until its taut and wants to be released, full of potential energy. But we wait. We wait until its pulled back until we’re ready. Then, once it’s ready to be released, the arrow slices through the air at break-neck speeds forward, farther than any throw or kick.

That is where I am at. It’s just a matter of time before I let go.